The Monster Within

Yesterday as I was driving home and listening to some music, guess who makes an unannounced visit? The grief monster arrived with all his torture tools and proceeded to turn me inside out. If that wasn’t enough he then tore my heart out and trampled on it with his spiked shoes.

The pain was overwhelming, the pressure on my chest making breathing feel almost impossible. The tears flowing and the uncontrolled sobbing turning me into a right mess within milliseconds.

It was just like the day after Yolanda had passed away. It was real, it was unbearable and left me feeling shattered for a good few hours after.

So what is the purpose of me sharing this in my blog, am I looking for sympathy? Am I looking for someone to take over this pain from me? Am I writing to just help me process what just happened? The answer to all these questions is a no, however it wouldn’t go unappreciated.

The purpose is to say to others walking a similar journey that it is okay to have these occasional visits from he who may not be mentioned. I however didn’t feel this way immediately. At first I was confused, Yolanda passed away 20 months ago. If you have been following my blogs I think it safe to say, I have been doing okay. So where did this come from, how can I be feeling so sad and empty, I was going home to my girls surely I should be happy? Question after question, self doubt and an overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t coping. The grief monster was winning at this stage. Of the 8 rounds of this 12 round title fight he had me against the ropes. He had won every round on points. Even if I won every round from here to the end he was going to emerge victorious. I needed to come up with another strategy. I needed a knockout if I was going to win.

Plan changed I called my sister, I sobbed, I cried, I told her how I felt and just hearing her understanding voice eased some of the pressure. I then gave my mother in law a call. We both shared those last few months with Yolanda and for some strange reason there is an amazing bond. She listened, she heard and acknowledged the pain. Were these two magnificent people an instant cure? No they weren’t but they gave me the time to steady my feet and deliver the knockout punch in the dying seconds of the final round.

Today I have still felt a little battered and bruised from this encounter however the victory has put a spring in my step which far exceeds the beating I received.

I rejoice that I can go.