This journey with grief as my constant companion has lead me to a place of internal conflict. The desire to want to move on with my life comes with enormous guilt. The desire to no longer be defined as the person who lost his wife is laced with feelings of toxic selfishness. The desire of wanting to ask my daughters for more help around the house but then thinking that maybe they aren’t ready yet, as each of them also have to tackle their own grief journey.

The feeling of intense depression has returned to visit and it is putting me into a state of conflict. Trying to make the right decisions yet doubting myself. Sometimes crying out that this isn’t the life I signed up for but then feeling guilt ridden for saying this. Does this mean I don’t love my children?

The constant forgetting of things, the aches and pain throughout my body. The massive weight gain over the last year. All these being amplified by the presence of depression. Sometimes reason tries to enter but the deafening blast of depression seems to drown it out.

I know that depression can be a temporary visitor if only I can rise to the challenge and not allow it to get its hold over me. Do I open up to those close to me and share my struggle. What if they think I am just trying to get sympathy or a free pass.

So what is this conflict within? Feelings of guilt, as I find myself now seeing us as a family of three. Feeling guilty because I now accept the reality that Yolanda is no longer a part of our physical daily life. Feeling guilty as I make daily decisions for the three of us without discussing them with Yolanda.

As I rise to the challenge all I can say is “Let the arm wrestle begin”.

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