Who am I? Where do I fit into this new life that has been forced on me? How do I proceed? What is the meaning in all of this?
Many others questions envelope my existence however I has come to a point where I need to find “me”. I am not Sean who lost his wife, I am not Sean who now has to raise two daughters on his own, I am not Sean who no longer has his soulmate to talk to. I am not Sean who needs to learn some basic culinary skills in order to provide nourishment for his family.
I am Sean and I need to find who is this Sean. Sure all of these things are a part of my life and form part of the daily struggles. Yet none of them can stand uniquely apart from the others in order to define Sean.
Sometimes I find that people who are introducing to others will present me as “Sean who lost his wife” or “Sean who attends our grief share group”. Is this who I have become? I am well aware that these people are caring well meaning individuals who I totally respect. I want to be introduced as “Sean”. This is who I am and if the person to who I get introduced and I start a conversation I am happy to tell them about myself. I don’t want to have a description hanging over my head.
The description has a two fold effect, firstly it puts me into a category in the eyes of the person to whom I was introduced. Secondly and more horrifically it opens a space for me to lean into this definition. Sometimes seeking sympathy and even some leniency from others. This I find more harmful as I constantly have to guard myself from taking this route. In order for me to reach a level of healing, that is where I can cope, then I need to get on with everyday processes as everyone else is expected to do.
Desiring to get to my new normal doesn’t in any way shape or form suggest that I have forgotten Yolanda or the brilliant years spent together. They are and will forever be a part of me. Right now though I feel that I need to be defining the new me. I am certain that this path will have many setbacks but I firmly believe that I can hear Yolanda cheering me on. I can hear her words of encouragement saying “Sean take one step at a time”, “don’t be discouraged get up and try again”.
Thanks for reading my blogs and all your words of encouragement. I now step forth to define who is “Sean”.