The journey on this path of grief has been and continues to be filled with many twist and turns. There have also been many detours as the road ahead is still under construction.
It is now a little over one year since the passing of my soulmate, wonderful friend, caring mother to my daughters and just magnificent human being. Yolanda.
It almost feels like everyone who said it will get easier over time or that ugly line “Time heals” have been lying to me all along. Recently it feels as if my depression has taken many strides backward.
I have even described some days as having been likened to the dark clouds rolling in and blocking out the stars. When I analyze my statement I become very aware of my description being set at night. This to me is very apt in that I am recognizing that I am still walking this path in the dark. I only have the light of the moon and stars to guide me. Now we know that the moon has many phases as it operates on a cyclical nature. Some days are brighter than others.
Now what is the relevance of the stars. Well very simply when I feel all alone and miss Yolanda immensely I look to the stars and feel for some crazy reason that she is there looking down at me. I get much comfort from this. So when these dark clouds come rolling in and block out the stars I feel alone. ALONE is not a feeling I enjoy. It is a reminder of all that I will never have again.
I have also come to the realization that this sudden increase in depression has possibly been caused by a false set of expectations. Expecting that the second year without Yolanda will become easier to handle. Everyone kept saying the first year was going to be tough with all the first. Nobody mentioned the second year as possibly being tougher. Therefore expecting to handle life a little better doesn’t match the reality. Expectations not meeting reality. This is a sure way to set oneself up for failure, or at least the feeling of failure.
So were they lying when they said it will get easier over time? I think not and believe not, however for me to move forward on this path I must not make the mistake of putting pegs in the time line. The monster called “GRIEF” lives off of these mistakes and in my opinion will use them to crush my spirit. Grief is in waiting and will pounce when we get lulled by this deception.
So how to move forward? Well how did I cope in this past year. I lived in the moment. I lived in the moment. This is the key. At least for me I believe is a tool that I should keep close to me.
To all that read this blog I thank you. I hope a pray that it has in some small way helped or encouraged you.