Recently I asked my 12 year old daughter to make her wish list for Christmas. After two weeks of asking her and noticing her becoming more and more agitated each time I asked, I realized that there is something deeper going on here.
So we had some dad and daughter time. We chatted about her list and the next minute she burst into tears and said she doesn’t want to make a list because the one wish she has cannot come true. I did not need to ask any further. This wish I knew all to well. She wanted her mommy back, she wanted more time with her mommy. She worried that she did not have enough memories of her mother and her.
To say that this knocked me for a six would have to be the understatement of the year. It exposed me on two fronts. One front being the obvious, I have had and continue to have the same wish. The second front was more challenging. I am male, I am a Dad and thus I look to solve problems. This problem has no solution. Yolanda, Mommy, Wife, Friend and Soulmate has gone. She is no longer part of our day to day interactions. We can no longer talk to her and feel her touch. We can no longer, and the list goes on and on.
What we do have are memories and her legacy. This we need to cling to and build on.
So when I was compiling my thoughts around writing the blog I decided to look up the meaning of “Wish”.
I was surprised at the negative tone of this definition. If this is really the definition then why did I ask her for a wishlist. I certainly wasn’t asking her to give me a list of things that cannot or probably won’t happen.
Challenging times lie ahead going into our first Christmas without Yolanda. I no longer “wish” for us to get through this time but rather hope for us to get through this time. I hope for us to create memories and to talk about our memories.