For the past 10 months the majority of my questions have been WHY?
Why did Yolanda have to die? Why wasn’t this picked up sooner?
Why didn’t the medical fraternity with all their knowledge and wisdom find a cure?
Why are my two daughters left without a mother?
Why, why, why?
As time has moved on sometimes at snail pace and other times feeling as if it is moving at hurricane speed, I have become to realize that in reality the questions are fruitless. There is no immediate and clear answer.
So what does my mind do now? It starts to rephrase the questions. It is as if rephrasing the questions will help in getting answers. Really it is just my mind trying to make it appear as if it has accepted that there are no answers when it hasn’t. Rephrasing the questions is just hiding the fact that I am still unsettled by the loss of Yolanda.
Questions now take the form of what if?
What if we had gone the alternative route in medical care?
What if we had done things differently?
What if we had found a church to attend?
What if we could have reduced the stress in Yolanda’s life? She worked full time, studied and still manage to take care of two children and one adult. Often I would say to her that she was burning the candle at both ends.
What if I had stayed longer with her in hospital?
What if? What if? What if?
Just more questions. The pain from these unanswered questions can sometimes be unbearable. Sometimes putting me in the prison of depression for a few days.
You might have noticed that I referred to my mind as if it were a third party in this equation. Honestly that is how it feels a lot of the time. A huge disconnect.