With grief come many emotions however for me this seems to be one of the “leaders”. If there was an Oscar for the leading emotion in grief this one would get my vote.
I started to write this blog with the intention of helping myself process everything that was going on in my life. I just haven’t been myself for the past few months. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my old self but realize very quickly that my new circumstances have shaped me to become the new me. How this new me turns out will be determined by how I choose to respond/react to my loss of a partner who completed me. I now feel myself as incomplete and with a gaping wound that appears not to be healing.
The “I just can’t anymore” comes in many shapes and disguises. At first it would appear as a simple “I can’t go on anymore”, then it would appear and reappear at the oddest of times. I can’t have fun anymore, I will never be happy again, it just doesn’t feel right to be moving on, I am not sure I will cope and the list goes on and on.
One thing is certain that this Oscar award winning emotion won’t stop making guest appearances in my days going forward. This however doesn’t have to become the ruin of me. Instead I can turn this emotion into a friend and learn to say ” I can’t go on like this anymore and out of respect for Yolanda and her memory I will move forward”.
Does moving forward mean giant leaps, most certainly not but every millimeter is an advancement. Do I need to put a marker on the calendar as if a goal to achieve, most certainly not as some moments will be better than others. Some moments will be absolutely painful and horrid. I just need to remember that catastrophic loss will never be easy.